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Americans aren’t the only ones who celebrating a holiday today — Scientologists have Thetan Thanksgiving! To read Tom Cruise’s heartwarming tale of Scientologist pilgrims first landing on Xenu Rock, click below.
THE HISTORY OF THETAN THANKSGIVING
by Tom Cruise
Many years ago, a college dropout with two failed bigamous marriages was unhappy because he wasn’t getting rich off his writing career. “Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous,” said L. Ron Hubbard. “If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.”
Thus Scientology was born.
When the IRS stripped the mother church of its tax-exempt status in 1967, the unhappy Hubbard knew it was time to leave the country in search of greener pastures. Emphasis on “greener.” So he hired two vessels – the L. Ron Mayflower and the Mothership — and put to sea with a small cadre of followers. Styling himself “the Commodore,” Hubbard spent the next several years bravely wandering the Atlantic, pursued by imaginary Reds and Nazis and attended by “Commodore’s Messengers” – pretty young girls who tended to his every whim and pretended to adore him. Or, as we call them today, “Katies.”
Then at last all the tired Scientologist pilgrims landed on a far-away spot called Xenu Rock. It was quite cloudy, as hydrogen bombs had just detonated in the surrounding volcanoes full of aliens. As so often happens. Yes, great winds raced tumultuously across Xenu Rock, followed by debris-studded and sickly yellow atomic clouds. . . !
“What the fu –?” yelled Hubbard.
In short: It was off-season at Xenu Rock.
After the blast, some of the more friendly souls of the alien victims – called Thetans – reached out to the Scientologist pilgrims and showed them how to avoid the wrath of Xenu. “Don’t make the same mistakes we did! Build a $10-million underground bunker!” a Thetan urged. “And make a really bad movie called ‘Battlefield Earth.’ Xenu likes it when humans make asses out of themselves,” another alien soul added.
To thank the Thetans for their wisdom, the Scientologist pilgrims made a great feast of stuffed walrus blubber, a purification rundown and placenta pie. “Let us thank Xenu for bringing us together,” said Hubbard as a young girl rubbed his feet. “And for people willing to pay tons of money for a religion I pulled out of my ass. Amen.”
So now every year on this day, we celebrate this momentous occasion with a similar feast, while burning effigies of Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud.
Happy Thetan Thanksgiving, everyone!
Thanks to 14 at Gallery of the Absurd for the graphic of the Scientologist pilgrims!
…I am lost for words to describe the
splendidness of this tale.
Hilariously enough, my library just last
week received (unsolicited) a DVD of
an “interview” with L. Ron, presumably
conducted in 1968. I will add this to our
collection. Because, well, it speaks for
itself.
Thank you for including, in your tale, the
pertinent genesis point about Scientology:
L.Ron was a pulp science fiction writer, and
did famously put forth the proposition
that the best way to make money was to
start a religion.
Ding, dang (to use a phrase associated
with another religion) he was successful.
Beyond his dreams.
You know, Germany has got it right about
this issue — the country absolutely does
not recognize Scientology as a religion,
but as a cult.
We could learn something from this.
November 22nd, 2007 at 1:25 pm3 things:
November 22nd, 2007 at 1:37 pmEat placenta?! Don’t worry I clicked the link, but GROSS!
2. Candy, I know you live out in Hollywood (I don’t KNOW that per se, but I’m sure you’ve mentioned it before). Do you ever get worried about the Scientology backlash? I hear that people in show business never talk bad about it b/c the loonies will come after them…
3. LOVE Tom’s platforms!! Even the martians (thetans??) are more secure with their stature–they’re all wearing flats.
Tom is so cute with that hat
November 22nd, 2007 at 1:55 pmHappy Go Lucky — As a dedicated fun-maker, that’s the risk I have to take. If anything should happen to me, at least the Holy Rollers will know who’s responsible. *GULP*
November 22nd, 2007 at 2:46 pmGenius.. perfect.. Thank you, I am gonna laugh for days..
November 22nd, 2007 at 3:37 pmYou go Candy!
Scientology once made the cover of “Time” magazine with the subheading: “The Cult of Greed.”
(…and Matt Lauer once said, “If I’d known Tom Cruise was only 5″7′, I’d have taken him down”)
Fortune sides with the fearless.
November 22nd, 2007 at 6:51 pmActually, when you think about it…all religion is strange, without exception. As well, life without religion…or should I say, without spirituality, is even more strange…considering how very ever and sick this world is most of the time.
And you know what the strangest thing about religion and spirituality is??? Well, that would be if one or more of all of the religions is correct in their faith. But I for one have faith…I have to, because any other alternative, is no alternative.
November 22nd, 2007 at 11:30 pm“But I for one have faith…I have to, because any other alternative, is no alternative.”
That’s so beautifully stated Zip.
November 23rd, 2007 at 3:08 pmThank you Holy Terror. Sorry for the typo though…that “ever” was supposed to be “evil”.
Happy Holidays to you and yours!!! God bless!!!
November 24th, 2007 at 6:07 amYou should just Zip It.
November 24th, 2007 at 9:07 amI hate Tom! He had kids with my only love, Kate…
November 25th, 2007 at 11:45 ami have no faith and i don’t feel afraid by all the terrible things going on in the world. humans ARE evil. i don’t need a religion to sugar-coat the reasons why. sometimes there is no reason.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:22 pm