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Christina Aguilera kicks off 2008 by posing naked on the January cover of Marie Claire, which is about as novel as Britney Spears flashing her baby maker to the paparazzi. In fact, Britney has done this cover before — as, of course, has Demi Moore — which is why we (meaning me and my cats) at Holy Candy have prepared a list of Top 10 Ways Christina Aguilera Could Have Made This Cover More Shocking:
10. Reveal that she’s not pregnant, just chunky
9. Actually wear a human-like amount of makeup
8. Announce that Prince Von Anhalt is the babydaddy
7. Pose with Jordan Bratman (who she calls “Super Sperm” in the interview) wearing a “Super Sperminator” costume
6. Use a photo of her actually giving birth (just a matter of time)
5. Reveal that she’s bartering her baby for Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
4. Announce that she’s going to rehab to kick her addiction to Sephora
3. Wear, you know, actual clothes
2. Share the secret of how drag queens can get impregnated in the first place
1. Spoof Britney Spears’ VMAs performance:
Click to enlarge. Marie Éclair a collaboration between Gallery of the Absurd and Holy Candy. Cover graphic and additional touches of hilarity by GOTA. Also check out Gallery of the Absurd’s take on the other, Buddha-like photo of Xtina.
LOL!!! #2, definitely. That 2nd pic doesn’t even look like her/him.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:37 am - Replythanks for making me laugh! i was having a shitty day but this has cheered me up.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:39 am - ReplyI am not looking forward to this issue in my mailbox. Marie Claire has sucked since they got a new Editor a while back.
November 29th, 2007 at 12:43 pm - ReplyLove the list and Britney pic!
One thing I like about Xtina is that she does
November 29th, 2007 at 1:07 pm - Replywhat she wants, regardless of how bad she looks.
This however, is pathetic. IT’S PLAYED OUT! Plus
we’ve all seen her naked already no thanks to
the Dirrty video.
I know everyone says she looks “fierce” and whatnot, but there is (and I hate to say this) a tasteful way and a distasteful way to pose pregnant and naked.
She looks really cheap.
November 29th, 2007 at 4:34 pm - ReplyUm, can you say, “attention whore”.
Another anonoying poptart with a f**ked
sense of self.
I think she has absorbed too many chemicals
November 29th, 2007 at 5:44 pm - Replyfrom all of that s**t she wears on her face,
skin and ‘hair’ and is completely
brain damaged. Sucks for the baby she
is carrying.
I guess we females should all feel
that this new image of pregnancy –
letting the belly hang out of clothes
and posing nude for the covers of
magazines — is somehow empowering.
But it just seems like the same old
exploitation/exhibitionism to me.
Or, maybe I’m just too old…
November 29th, 2007 at 6:59 pm - ReplyNah…
…putting away your big belly is always a good idea.
November 29th, 2007 at 9:07 pm - ReplyThat cover still doesn’t answer my question. Do the drapes match the carpet?
November 30th, 2007 at 4:46 am - Replyanother great collaboration b/w candy & 14.
November 30th, 2007 at 9:18 am - ReplySo sad…..
November 30th, 2007 at 9:49 am - ReplyI usually like this magazine, but this is silly. First off, I don’t give a damn that she’s pregnant nor do I really care to see her naked. If I want naked women, I’ll buy a Playboy. Second, I am so fed up with ridiculously airbrushed pictures of women that are not realistic at all, and now we have pregnant women being airbrushed. I highly doubt anyone who’s pregnant looks that flawless all over. It’s especially annoying since I subscribed to Marie Claire because I felt that they actually covered important things and tried to portray more realistic women. I am seriously considering cancelling my subscription after this and the Britney article a while back.
November 30th, 2007 at 11:41 pm - Replylibrarian kathleen says:But it just seems like the same old exploitation/exhibitionism to me.
Or, maybe I’m just too old…
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December 2nd, 2007 at 1:33 am - ReplyNah, you’re right Kathleen old or no. See, even pregnant women have to look “bangable” and sexy. We don’t get a break for being old OR pregnant anymore. I’m tired–somebody peel me out of my thong/tight jean/stiletto uniform and get me a Mr.s Roper mumu.
bitterjealousfatties.com says:That cover still doesn’t answer my question. Do the drapes match the carpet?
——————
December 2nd, 2007 at 1:35 am - ReplyI think that would be seriously detrimental to the carpet, all that bleach and all.
Does she not realize that she always looks orange?
December 4th, 2007 at 4:43 am - ReplyOh my heavens, that cover photo. Will the baby’s first words be “fake-n’-bake?” Will she airbrush her child with a vegetable-based dye for its first photo?
December 6th, 2007 at 3:27 pm - ReplyI think she looks beautiful. I esp. love the 2nd pic. Haters are always going to hate…
December 12th, 2007 at 3:37 pm - ReplyShe’s a lot more classier than those other hollywood girls. Embrace the pregnant body, it’s beautiful.
December 12th, 2007 at 3:47 pm - ReplyChristina has chosen to keep much about her pregnancy under wraps until now. I look at this as the unveiling. As for the makeup/Britney comparisons etc get over it. She is an amazingly talented woman, who has a wonderful marriage, numerous hit albums, and a baby on the way. She is really excited about being a new mom, and as a new mother myself I can only imagine how incredibly happy she is. Rock on Legendtina
December 12th, 2007 at 3:47 pm - ReplyI don’t find this funny. We didn’t bash Demi for posing nude. We didn’t bash Britney for posing nude either. It’s a beautiful thing-why not show it off? Christina looks gorgeous and has a lot more class than any of her peers. Lay off.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:46 pm - ReplyShe has class?????? She is skanky and slutty. If Christina Aguilera has class, the Britney Spears has intelligence.
December 18th, 2007 at 11:22 pm - Reply