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As you can imagine, I get quite a bit of feedback from fans, foes and the inebriated — much of which is even more entertaining than Clooney, Bush and Fabio stuck together in an elevator. I realized it was rather selfish of me to keep them to myself, so I’ve decided to share this wealth of entertainment with you by answering a few of the more, er, provocative ones (all real, with names withheld) here on the site:
Subject: charlie shean
blow up dolls do not cost $6000 are you totally retarded? its a lifelike latex doll. your use of language to make things seem worst sicken me, and it might work on the general idiodic population that follows hollywood gossip. Get a life you moron instead of obsessing over celebrities lives.. they live a quality of life you will never enjoy because you are a talentless hack go get an actual skill you farqin air head.
Dear Concerned Consumer,
My apologies for making you sick. It is flu season — are you sure it’s not just that nasty bug that’s going around? Anyway, regardless of whether the dolls cost $6,499 or $14.99, perhaps you should put one of those hot mamas on your holiday gift wish list. Sounds like you could use one.
Happy Farqin Holidays!
Candy
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Subject: wedgies?
im looking for natalie portman wedgie pics
Dear Celebrity Anatomy Watchdog:
You and me both! Join the club, buddy. Join the club.
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Subject: [blank]
I really dont know what to think of your show
It seems to me you are only popular because of your looks, is that what you want? I would suggest you try and get some more integrity and find something useful to do. If you are really not like you are in your shows and you are actually acting a sarkastic role, im all wrong. But you seem so serious, so im afraid im not wrong.
Dear Guidance Counselor to the Blogosphere:
Your insights have given me pause, and forced me to look deep within myself to figure out my true purpose in this universe. I am SO serious.
Thank you for that gentle, much-needed nudge,
Candy
p.s. — Know where I can get me some of that “integrity” of which you speak? Is it on sale at Target, by chance?
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SUBJECT: YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE
Dear Sir/Madam,
As a matter of Introduction,please i am Mr Kofi Adams, the Auditor General of International Commercial Bank,Kaneshie First Light Branch, Accra-Ghana. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you. On May 20, 1999, an Iraqi Foreign Oil consultant/contractor with the BRITISH PETROLEUM CORPORATION in collaboration with Ghana Crude oil refinery and marketing Company MR. DARA BARAZ, Made a numbered time (Fixed deposit) for 24 calendar months,valued at US$20,200,000.00 in this bank. Upon maturity in 2001, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.
After a month, we sent a reminder and discovered from his contract employers, the Ghana Crude Oil Refinery and marketing Company that Mr. Dara Baraz died as a result of torture in the hand of Saddam Hussein during one of his trips to Iraq. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.
This sum of US$20,200,000.00 have been floating as unclaimed since 1999 in my bank as all efforts to get his relatives have hit the stones.
According to the Ghana Banking law and rudiments of operations,at the expiration of 6 years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Ghana Government if nobody applies to claim the fund and the six years was the end of November 2005. Consequently, i want to seek your consent as a foreigner to stand in as the owner of the money as the next of kin to the deceased so that the bank will transfer the money to your designated account.
PLEASE, APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT DOING BUSINESS OVER THE INTERNET IS RISK.ENDEAVOR TO SEND YOUR CONFIDENTIAL TELEPHONE, BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND FAX NUMBER IN YOUR REPLY TO THIS BUSINESS
Sincerely.
Adams.
Dear. Adams.
Sucks for Baraz, but great for me. Woo-hoo! I’m rich! What else do you need — credit card numbers, Social Security Number, key to my house, my firstborn…? It’s all yours.
Sorry, Holy Rollers — I’m outta here! I don’t need this stinkin’ gig anymore.
C-Money
Oh, but Candy we will miss you!
If I give you MY account number please transfer anything you have left, or sign me in your will.
Mette-Money-Not-So-Much
December 7th, 2007 at 12:13 amListen, I need you to cash a cheque for me and put it into my account, since I don’t have online banking access. Once you deposit the money into my account, I will write you another check.
December 7th, 2007 at 5:56 amOMG Candy, so funny.
Your talent knows no boundries.
December 7th, 2007 at 7:16 amSeriously, let’s party!
*Raises martini glass* Cheers!
i get the same letters from overseas leaving me millions too! just a warning though. it takes awhile to get your money. i’m still waiting, but i know it will be any day now. and also be aware that your bank will clean out your account in order to make room for the millions that will soon be arriving. and they will foreclose on your current house because they know that you will soon move into a huge mansion. but i know that living in this rite aide shopping cart is worth it because it’s gonna be easy street within the week. i just know it.
December 7th, 2007 at 9:30 amC-Money
Alright, that did it. I already LOL’d at “Happy Farqin Holidays” but “C-Money” put me over the top. I am crying now. LOL
BTW, Ent Lawyer over at Crazy Days & Nights has a relay kind of thing going where he’s been writing back & forth with the “author” of one of these letters - if you haven’t seen it, and you get a chance, check it out. It is WELL worth it LOL
December 7th, 2007 at 10:21 amWedgies created the early thong panty look. It was sort of like, “You put your chocolate in my peanut butter!” “No, you put your peanut butter in my chocolate!” kind of Reese’s Peanut Butter candy vibe…and an invention was created!!!
That’s how the thong was born!!!
December 7th, 2007 at 11:47 amhello, kandie.
i am waiting still for your account #. must give me this for you to be rich. also unclaimed funds in ghana waiting for you and only you. don’t dissapoint me.
December 7th, 2007 at 2:09 pmi think they’re all sold out of integrity in los angeles, candy. it seems to be hard to find.
December 7th, 2007 at 6:00 pmhilarious work, by the way. i’m with jane-cheers!
ahahahaha, bizarro reader mail is priceless. just priceless.
I think maybe the Concerned Customer’s ma-and-pa blow up doll store was run out of business by the “REAL DOLL” enterprise… So much bitterness, and vocabulary like ‘lifelike latex’ and ‘quality of life’.
And the Guidance Counselor is absolutely right– your show was so SERIOUS that I later realized my laughter was actually a lethal, reoccuring stomach spasm, triggered by sobering insights on stuff like Jenna Jameson’s nipple hor’dourves. excuse me, whore’dourves.
That last letter seems to be some kind of cross-cultural Mad-Lib … last time he sent me one of those, Mr. Kofi wasn’t nearly as creative! Good for him. and I bet if you asked, he would GLADLY
December 7th, 2007 at 6:11 pmsell you some integrity!
I think you are wonderful. I think discount bin blow up dolls suck…and not in a “natural sensation”, sort of way.
Lots of talentless hacks get to be celebrities. But we already know that.Screw that dude/lady.
Where’s my Shiloh!!!
December 7th, 2007 at 10:04 pmIt seems to me you are only popular because of your looks, is that what you want?
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December 8th, 2007 at 1:13 amYah, been trying all my freaking life!!