He Said, She Said

Welcome to the seventh edition of He Said, She Said, a column in which Holy Candy’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

We’re excited to welcome this month’s guest columnists, who address inquiries from the four-feet-and-under set.

DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

I’m just to spit it up, er… out: My mom is SO embarrassing.

It’s bad enough she’s always telling dirty jokes she thinks I don’t understand. But she also says stupid things on this TV show all my friends’ moms watch. I think it’s called The Flu…?  First she said the Earth was flat, although my globe is — DUH! — round, and then she said Jesus is older than everything. Even my one-year-old sandbox buddies know better than that.

How can I get her to just keep her mouth shut? She’s totally hurting my street cred at daycare.

Son_of_Sherri@aol.com

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TO SON_OF_SHERRI:

DAVID: Tell her to try talking in a British accent. My mom thinks it makes you sound smarter.

SHILOH: Puh-lease. When your mommy tells the world you’re a “blob” and an “outcast,” then talk to me. Till then, just be happy your mommy doesn’t keep saying to you, “Stop crying, you whiner! You don’t KNOW what suffering means!”

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

Our dad keeps telling us to call him different things. One day, it’s “Diddy.” The next, it’s “P. Daddy.” Other times it’s “Act like you’re Timbaland’s kids ’cause P. Daddy needs to get him a piece of that.”

We’re so confused! How do we keep his names straight?

Diddys-Twins@yahoo.com

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TO DIDDYS-TWINS:

DAVID: Your dad sounds like an attention whore. He and my biological daddy would get along well!

SHILOH: That’s terrible. Hang in there! My parents will adopt you soon.

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

My daddy’s really rich, but I’m afraid he has a dead cat on top of his head! It scares me so much, I have nightmares of it attacking me in my bed at home.

How do I tell my daddy his hair looks like roadkill?

BarronTrump@verizon.net

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TO BARRONTRUMP:

DAVID: I’m not the best person to ask about parental honesty. Heck, my mommy still won’t tell me why she me why she used to wear cone hats on her boobies.

SHILOH: You sleep at home? That’s weird. I thought everyone slept at a different hotel every night.

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