At band camp, you learn how to blow your horn. At porn camp, you learn how to blow… well, you know where I’m going with this.
In news that makes my days at orchestra camp seem even more lame in comparison, Fox News reports that adult film star wannabes will have their chance to learn the business this weekend at “Porn Camp” in Tampa, Fla.
Led by an adult film actress called Courtney Cummz (which I assume is her birth name) — who starred in such Oscar-nominated fare as Whack Jobs and won the prestigious 2007 F.A.M.E. Award for Favorite Anal Starlet — the $4000-a-head seminar will apparently cover everything from lighting and sound to legal advice. But the highlight of the three-day event is, um, hands on (and clothes off): participants will shoot their very own adult-film scene. Otherwise known as entertainment for Christmas at grandma’s!
“They will tell you, show you and then help while you make your own film … that you will own the rights to,” the seminar’s Web site said.
If anyone should know porn, it’s a chick named Candy, right? Which is why I’ve prepared a suggested camp itinerary:
SATURDAY
10 a.m. — LEGAL ADVICE (Cover Your Ass, While Showing Your Ass)
1 p.m. — LIGHTING (Making That Money Shot Shine)
4 p.m. — SCRIPTWRITING (101 Ways to Avoid an Actual Plot)
6 p.m. — SOCIAL MIXER (Suggested Attire: None)
SUNDAY
11 a.m. — MUSIC (The Art of Lusty “Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka” Tracks)
12 p.m. - PORN FACTS
- When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more turned on than angry
- A girl’s first date always leads to sex
- Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up
- Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices which allow them to create huge harems
1 p.m. — ORIFICE REVIEW
3 p.m. — Lights, Camera, LOTS OF ACTION!
I only watch porn for the dialogue.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:26 pm“Orifice Review” = brilliance!
April 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pmYou know…Porn Camp could actually be a great movie…if they ever made it. This also sounds like a great reality show!!!
Candy…as always…that was a penetrating and deeply probative report. Blow for blow…I have to say that was a great job. You got right to the main thrust of the matter, having a full grasp of the issues…from ass, to breasts, vagina and penis. You’re really hands on I have to say. And I loved the stimulating climax to your report!!! I’m convulsing with enthusiasm and moaning for more!!! Those journalistic juices are really flowing. You have fully arrived. Your reports are truly worth cumming back for more!!!
April 4th, 2008 at 4:50 pmAunt J wouldn’t want to be a housekeeper at that camp.
April 4th, 2008 at 7:09 pmCandy: this is brilliant.
Zip: you rock.
And, after all, shouldn’t potential adult film aspirants have some sort of training ground?
April 5th, 2008 at 4:19 pmBravo.
April 5th, 2008 at 7:08 pmThanks Librarian Kathleen…you rock and rule!!!
April 5th, 2008 at 11:21 pmSo…when are the dates for camp?
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:38 am