Live Blogging “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson”

My random thoughts about tonight’s episode of Oxygen’s “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson“:

9:00 p.m. – The show begins with a disclaimer: “This program… does not advocate or encourage any obscene or criminal behaviour.”

Well, that’s no fun.

9:00 p.m. – Dear God. Why didn’t anyone warn me that Sue looks like Sophia from Golden Girls?!

9:00 – Sue delightedly declares that spring is “horny season.” Ah, yes. Spring has sprung! Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for her to crack a nasty joke about her giantess daughter, Dorothy Zbornak.

9:01 – Sue trips over the word “caveat” four times in a row. Oh, boy. This doesn’t bode well for “cunnilingus.”

9:02 – Why did she just point to the seat next to her while mentioning lubrication? On second thought… refrain from panning down, please.

9:05 – Derek from Peoria, IL wants to know if it’s safe to get a hand job from the woman who gives him a sponge bath at the “massage parlor.” I suspect hundreds of men in Peoria are suddenly going to develop bad backs.

9:06 – Sherry from Detroit wants to know if ejaculate in the mouth can cause gingivitis. No way, says Sue.

9:06 – A more desperate Sherry asks, with hope in her voice, if it can cause a sore throat. Nope, replies Sue. And it won’t make you fat either!

9:07 – Having run out of potential excuses, a deflated Sherry from Detroit says good-bye.

9:08 – Sue counsels La Baron from Richmond, VA about eating raw meat out of his boyfriend’s rectum. Suggests avoiding raw pork, which can have worms. [*CANDY SLOWLY SPITS OUT PORK CHOP*]

9:20 – Finally! Sue is stumped! Debbee from Atlanta, who has multiple partners, claims her vagina burns when she has intercourse with one particular man, even though she uses the same kind of condom with all of her partners. Well, Sue has no answers for Burning Debbee from Atlanta. Somewhere, Dr. Ruth is scoffing, “Amateur!”

9:32 – Oooohhh! Fun with “stupid sex toys.” This should be fun.

9:32 – Sue shares her first cyberskin toy, which the 77-year-old describes as a “big, honking dildo.” Okay, um, this is turning out to be as much fun as the time my mom shared the fact that my dad’s always horny.

9:33 – Sue says the purple dildo is perfect… “if your boyfriend is Shrek.” Then laughs, satisfied with her joke.

Fiona is not amused.

9:42 – Melissa from New York City wants to know if “male enlargements,” like pills, would work for her boyfriend. Sue practically yells, “NO! NOTHING CAN MAKE THE PENIS BIGGER!” Melissa sounds as disappointed to hear this as I was when my Jewish friend Sarah informed me there’s no Santa. I suspect Melissa’s re-posting her profile on Match.com as I write this.

9:50 – Paul from Anchorage, Alaska wants to know how to improve the range of his ejaculate. I wonder if he’s training for the shot put equivalent of the Sex Olympics?

9:54 – R.I.P. Dignity of Sex Doll Demonstrator:

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