So a Lawyer Walks into a Bra…

There are a number of reasons our Founding Fathers established the federal court system. To guard the Constitution, for example. To score chicks with those sexy powdered wigs…

And, of course, to defend women against exploding bras.

A South Carolina woman is suing Victoria’s Secret over an allegedly defective brassiere. The lawsuit, which has been moved to Greenville district federal court, originally claimed that a bra Jessica Lang bought from the store “malfunctioned,” and the underwire cut her breast “nearly six inches wide and six inches deep.” However, perhaps upon realizing the breast itself wasn’t even six inches wide, the lawsuit was amended to say the wound was “3 inches x 1/4 inch deep.”

Well, I know Victoria’s Secret’s prices are criminal. But the underwire…? Only if used with a tension wrench to pick a lock. Or, um, so I’ve heard.

The complaint alleges that Victoria’s Secret “so negligently and carelessly designed, manufactured, constructed, assembled, inspected, and sold the brassiere that it was dangerous and unsafe for its intended uses” and caused Lang “lost wages, pain and suffering, future disability, loss of prospective business relations and medical expenses.” The bra victim is asking for unspecified actual and punitive damages.

Now that he is unemployed, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer has offered his hands-on services to further investigate this matter, and has vowed to launch a nationwide campaign to ban the use of bras altogether.

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