Live Blogging The Tyra Banks Show

My thoughts on yesterday’s rerun of Tyra’s in-depth discussion of “Sex in Schools”:

11:00 a.m. — Tyra solemnly reveals that the 3 Rs of the American school system have a NEW “R” now: “Racy!” Which really makes me stop and think — Why the hell are “writing” and “arithmetic” considered “R”s?! Now THAT’s worthy of a talk show discussion.

:03 — Gio, 17, shares (with his mother by his side, poor dear) that he — GASP! — received oral sex from a girl in the high school restroom. A horrified Tyra asks “how he felt after.” “Um, fu*king AWESOME!” Gio thinks to himself. But will only say, “I didn’t really think about it.” Yeah, because he was too busy being blinded by the stars in his eyes.

:04 — An audience member steps up to the mic to say two of her high school classmates had oral sex in the classroom in front of everyone while their substitute teacher was sleeping. Sleeping with one eye open, that is.

:08 — Tyra counsels Gio’s distraught mom that her son is a “sexual being” because he has hair on his lip. [TYRA KNOWINGLY POINTS TO HAIR ON LIP] Gio’s mom nods as though Tyra actually makes sense, deserves Emmy for her performance.

:13 — 14-year-old Malorie admits she liked kissing a boy in the school hallway so much, that she went on to sleep with six different guys while she was still 13. Funny, when I kissed a boy at that age, I went on to think, “Ewww! Gross! What’s up with his tongue seizures?!”

:20 –- Tanisha, 18, is a lesbian and wants to tell her sister (who’s backstage) that she’s had sex with three different girls during her time at high school, so that her sister doesn’t hear the “shocking” news from anybody else. Because, you know, hearing it from someone else would be SO much more embarrassing than hearing the news on national television.

:21 -– Tyra wants to know how Tanisha started having sex with these girls at school. “Do you call them up? What do you do?” Hmmm. Tyra seems just a little too interested in this information.

:31 — Tyra introduces some kids who think this kind of behavior is getting in way of their education. Also known as the students who are jealous they aren’t getting a piece.

:32 –- Prudish Alexa says there’s SO MUCH sex in her school. Naturally, it’s a Catholic school. A student even had sex with the 25-year-old janitor, Alexa says, shaking her head. Well, at least he cleaned up the mess!

:33 -– Darren, 13, says girls come up to him in hallway and grab his crotch. He’s afraid if he doesn’t go along with it, friends will call him gay. Man, when I was 13, I was too busy preparing for the Spelling Bee Championship to be bothered by such frivolity. Just a benefit of being part of the cool crowd, I guess. (”Crotch. C-R-O-T-C-H. Crotch.”)

:43 – Alexa’s mom says they talk about sex all the time. Her daughter is still a virgin, and she’s proud of her for that. [ALEXA BEAMS] After the show, I have a bridge I’m going to sell to Alexa’s mom.

:44 –- Darren says he tells his mom EVERYTHING. In fact, he went straight home and immediately told his mom about the crotch-grabbing. Making it all the more shocking that his friends would call him gay.

:50 — Dr. Gary says it’s important for parents to have a dialogue with their kids…

:50 — “That’s what MY mama did,” Tyra interrupts Dr. Gary for the three millionth time. Tyra’s mama “sat her down, took her on a train from L.A. to San Diego. Told her what it feels like when a man touches you, when he whispers in your ear…” Which explains a lot about Tyra’s dating status.

:54 – Dr. Gary advises adults to set an example and show kids they shouldn’t follow the crowd, by refusing to wear designer labels themselves. CUT TO: Tyra’s horror. Maybe having sex in school isn’t so bad after all, she’s thinking. Girlfriend’s not gonna give up her Jimmy Choos!

12:01 p.m. — All the kids are likely having sex with each other backstage. With Alexa leading the charge.

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