As the horniest member of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, imparts its wisdom to readers with pressing sex questions this month, I decided to also offer MY two cents’ (which is about all my sex “wisdom” is worth):
Q: For the past few months, I have been bouncing back and forth between two guys. I think it’s time for me to make a decision. The problem: I don’t know whom to choose. How can I figure it out?
COSMO: You say you need to decide on a candidate now, but it sounds like you may not even be ready to vote.
CANDY: You should make your decision based on what really matters in life: The size of their bank accounts and penises. And if THAT’s a draw, there’s always eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
—————————————
Q: My boyfriend of three years wants nothing to do with sex. He won’t even touch me because he thinks it might lead to sex. I know he’s not cheating, because we spend every night together and we work at the same place. Is he still into me or what?
COSMO: It’s not a red flag if sex slows down after the three-year mark — that’s pretty standard.
CANDY: Or what.
—————————————
Q: The other morning, my guy and I were having sex. I finished, but I was so exhausted that I lied and told him we had to stop and get to work. How big a deal is it when he doesn’t finish?
COSMO: Don’t feel too bad — chances are, your boyfriend will forget all about it once he’s able to finish the job.
CANDY: Expect a splinter removal bill soon. After all, it’s because of chicks like you that dudes end up violating picnic tables.
I love it when you rag on Cosmo!!
May 21st, 2008 at 9:43 ambank accounts and penises-yes.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:07 amThe size of their bank accounts and penises? Naw. I say pick the one with the better last name.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:52 amChoices, choices…
Candy, we definitely need to see this as a regular feature!
May 21st, 2008 at 3:48 pmThat was too funny!
May 21st, 2008 at 7:02 pmApparently that guy hasn’t been “into” his gf for quite some time. What was the question?
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:31 am