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Welcome to the third edition of “Men’s All-Time Favorite Mattress Moves,” in which I respond to that especially horny member of the family of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, as select men reveal the long-held secrets to “his down-there domain.”
That’s right, his DOWN-THERE DOMAIN!
Here’s what they — and I — had to say:
CHRIS: “The best oral I ever got happened while I was hanging from the chin-up bar I keep in my home gym. The strain in my arms mixed with the bliss I felt below the waist created unbelievable pleasure.”
CANDY: Yup, Sparky really earned his kibble that day.
REGGIE: “Instead of taking me straight into your mouth, hold the base of the penis and nibble the sides.”
CANDY: Would that be like corn on the cock?
JAMIE: “Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”
CANDY: Funny, I read those very same instructions in the Auntie Anne’s Employee Training Manual!
KEITH: “Flick just the top of the penis with your tongue. Do it over and over. It would take me hours to climax this way, but man, what a way to pass the time!
CANDY: Hours? Yeah, that sounds… great. Nothing turns me on more than a serious case of lockjaw!
Corn on the cock? Mmmm, no, cock on the corn!!!
May 27th, 2008 at 7:14 pmCandy: stop! I’ll piddle if I keep laughing this hard:
*Sparky really earned his kibble that day.*
OMG that was just too funny. Sounds a bit like Denise Richard’s house of “Peanut Butter Animal Friends”. Snicker.
P.S. “Down There Domain” snicker. whinny!
May 27th, 2008 at 9:09 pmCorn on the cock! Omg Candy, you nailed that one! Seriosly, I might try that the next time I have a boyfriend. Whip out the butter!
May 27th, 2008 at 10:02 pmCorn on the cock! BWAHAHAHahahaha.
I’m trying to figure out just how Jamies ‘chinese burn’ type masturbation would be in any way pleasurable…
May 27th, 2008 at 10:21 pmAunt J thinks this is hilarious!
May 28th, 2008 at 11:48 amLet’s hope young women aren’t reading Cosmo and taking it seriously, that’s all I’ve got to say.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:08 pm^ I take Cosmo’s advice to heart, but I don’t agree with everything they say.
May 28th, 2008 at 9:41 pmOh man…if I ever need a giggle, I visit your blog. I wish I could have cocktails with you, Candy Kirby! Tears of joy would flow cuz girlfriend, you make me howl with delight.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:44 pm