This post is rated PG-13 and Anti-Parents. Not suitable for children under 13 or my mom and dad.
As I’ve mentioned in previous editions of this column, I’m easily confused by sex toys, as it’s often unclear to me whether they’re supposed to offer pleasure, blend my margaritas or clean my windows. So, being the thorough, dedicated reporter that I am, I decided to get my hands — and mind — dirty with an ongoing investigative report:
SEX TOY OR HOUSEHOLD PRODUCT?!
Let’s see if you can determine which of these are sex aids, and which are found in Target’s housewares aisle:
1. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?
1. ANSWER: HOUSEHOLD PRODUCT
This fruit guard is meant to protect the kind of banana that grows on trees. Although it could also make a nice gift for Benji Madden’s banana.
2. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?
2. ANSWER: SEX TOY
Don’t try curling your hair with this gadget, which is intended to add volume to your MAN’s, um, head — not yours. Silicone girth gainer plus, $6.99, EdensFantasy.com. Additional girth: Priceless.
3. Sex Toy? Or Household Product?
3. ANSWER: SEX TOY
It may resemble a garage door opener, but the Wireless Micro Egg Bullet delivers “deliver smoother consistent vibrating,” with great “hands-free solo satisfaction.”
Mmmm… hard-boiled eggs. And no cholesterol!
I got it right - I have seen that banana thing and I am familiar with the other two as well - wink wink, nudge, nudge
May 30th, 2008 at 1:57 pmThe last one looks way too complicated!!
May 30th, 2008 at 2:11 pmGee, Suzann, I’m a bit disturbed after looking at your Garey Busey icon and reading about your familiarity with sex toys–it’s like I know TMI about Busey now!
May 30th, 2008 at 2:12 pmThe first item can clearly do “double duty.”
May 30th, 2008 at 2:38 pmYa know….if one uses #2 correctly it could also curl one’s hair. I say “double duty” for # 1 AND 2!
May 30th, 2008 at 4:30 pmI only got the middle right. The first one looks like a double ended dildo for lesbians.
May 31st, 2008 at 12:25 am2 for 3!
May 31st, 2008 at 10:52 amVern: snicker! snerk!
I think the first one would make a lovely wedding gift for Charlie and his new bride. He could put his banana in it so they can have sexy times without her being worried about the effect of his prostitute-tranny infested sperm on her va-jay-jay.
It could also do “double-duty” for Benji Madden and Wonky McValtrex. It’s high time he lost his virginity, he’s SO grown-up with all those tattoos and it would offer protection against the many infections carried by the Wonk.
June 1st, 2008 at 3:15 amForgive my ignorance, but I too am confused by #2. Isn’t the end a little blunt? That can’t be comfortable on entry, surely! Or is it an open-ended tube? If so, how does one prevent t from slipping and sliding? Or is that intended? Those bumps remind me of those mitts that you rub over your butt to supposedly reduce cellulite.
June 1st, 2008 at 4:54 amSpot on Brit Bit-the Maddens are such posers!
June 1st, 2008 at 9:34 am