If it writes like a douche and is verbose like a douche… it must be John Mayer.  [Lainey]

Hey, Daniel Craig and Grace Jones — didn’t your mums ever let you know your faces could freeze like that?  [Ayyyy!]

An HBO sitcom starring Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan?  Huh.  I had no idea they were remaking “The Three Stooges.” [CelebWarship]

Michael Jackson takes kids trick-or-treating.  Isn’t every day Halloween for Michael Jackson? [SOMG]

Jennifer Hudson’s brother-in-law refusing lie detector test.  Can’t imagine why.  [Smack]

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson ride the subway.  Stars — they really are just like US!  Only much, much skinnier.  [POTP]

Larry Birkhead and Dannielynn move out of Anna Nicole’s house.  Life & Style is, of course, there.  [popbytes]

Behold the Heavenly Handfuls® Talking Vice Presidential Candidate Doll: Joe Biden Edition.  [Candy Goes to Washington and GOTA]

Damage Control Watch 2008:  Camp Britney Spears releases pictures of her working hard in dance studio.  [Lainey]

Sarah Palin offers Bristol’s babysitting service to Tina Fey.  Also known as Bristol’s job training. [The Frisky]

Gwen Stefani:  served sunny-side up.  [SOMG]

Angelina Jolie devastated as Brad Pitt and Diane Kruger get cozy on-set!  In related news, millions of Team Aniston members spotted doing jigs in the streets.  [popbytes]

LEAVE TARA REID ALONE!  [Smack]

Lindsay’s Girl Gone Wild:  I would pay some serious cash to see Samantha Ronson kick Joe Francis‘ ass.   [CelebWarship]

Lauren Conrad is all over the place, and yet all I see is a big, boring block of vanilla.  [POTP]

I’m embarrassed to admit I like what has been deemed “the worst duet ever.” Okay, I don’t care — get down wit’ yo’ bad selves, Gwyneth and Huey!  [Gabble]

Kristin Scott Thomas, prepared in case of impromptu “Grease” audition.  [Ayyyy!]

Ali Lohan dresses up as MC Skat Kat’s little sister, MC Skank Kat.  [Lainey]

Introducing the Talking Vice Presidential Candidate Doll™:  Sarah Palin Edition.  [Holy Candy and GOTA]

Saddest story about the economic crisis yet:  Paris Hilton forced to accept only $30,000 for party appearance.  [Smack]

Lisa Rinna and Lara Flynn Boyle are on lip-down.  [Ayyyy!]

Making Barney Stinson proud:  Jessica Biel suits up.  [SOMG]

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know she is NOT gay!  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  [POTP]

Christina Aguilera’s “Keeps Getting Better” video.  Be on the lookout for the follow-up song about her makeup:  “Keeps Getting Heavier.”  [popbytes]

Nicole Richie to adopt?  Well, I’m sure having a baby and a frenemy with the reading level of a baby has given her plenty of maternal practice.  [Gabby]

Michael Lohan apologizes for skewering Samantha Ronson, makes sure every tabloid is there for the heartfelt gesture.  [CelebWarship]

Jessica Biel desperately wants us to know she is the girl with EVERYTHING.  Including Tyrone Biggums’ lips.  [Lainey]

So tragic:  A body believed to be Jennifer Hudson’s 7-year-old nephew found dead.  [POTP]

Because we could use some uplifting news:  A dog risks his life in fire to protect box of kittens.  Meanwhile, Candy cries like the sentimental sucker she is.  [Dlisted]

Diddy’s hot air determined to be leading cause of global warming.  [Holy Candy]

Amy Poehler names her newborn son Archie.  No word on what Jughead thinks.  [Gabby]

Mandy Moore and DJ AM have, um, reignited their flame. [Smack]

Halloween comes early to Seoul Fashion Week.  [Ayyyy!]

Amy Winehouse hospitalized for tests on her chest and lungs or, in medical terms, for being a hot mess.  [SOMG]

Aubrey O’Day and Kanye West spotted sucking face.  Which is quite a feat for Aubrey, given how big Kanye’s head is.  [CelebWarship]

Lara Flynn Boyle knows that all you need for timeless elegance are bare feet and trout lips.  [popbytes]

Oprah drills the Olsen Twins with the hard-hitting questions.  Like what they eat for breakfast.  [Lainey]

Valuable life tool:  Weekly horoscopes by Sean Penn.  [Holy Candy]

So Guy Ritchie, Robert Downey, Jr. and a porn star walk into a bar… [CelebWarship]

World news alert:  Suri Cruise gets a haircut!  [SOMG]

Um, Rihanna?  You’re looking a little pale.  [POTP]

Miley Cyrus living with her boyfriend.  Just kids being kids! [Smack]

Michael Jackson shopping at Off the Wall Antiques.  Sometimes, these celebs just make it too damn easy. [popbytes]

Anne Hathaway’s ex sentenced to four-and-a-half years in prison, a lifetime in hell for impersonating the Baby Jesus. [Gabby]

Designers Karl Lagerfeld and Donatella Versace have a special way of making stars look good on the red carpet. [Ayyyy!]

Beyonce issues a statement about her alter-ego, Sasha Fierce.  Meanwhile, Jay-Z hiding all sharp objects in the house.  [Lainey]

Speaking of fierce… Miley Cyrus‘ boyfriend strikes a pose that would make RuPaul proud.  [Dlisted]

Mensa convention alert:  Paris Hilton and Jordan together at last.  [SOMG]

Posh and Becks head to Italy for a few months, where Posh will indulge herself by inhaling the scent of gnocchi.  [CelebWarship]

Carrie Underwood with her lookalike wax figure.  And in future news, Wax Carrie melts to the ground in suspicious incident involving a match and another, big-breasted wax figure. [Smack]

Kate Bosworth and Susan Sarandon star in Dowdy and Dowdier. [Ayyyy!]

Scarier than any Halloween horror movie:  Lil Wayne reproduces. [POTP]

Clooney recycles Krista Allen even more than I recycle “recycle” jokes.  [Gabby]

A fascinating lesson in how US Weekly determines its cover stories. [Holy Candy]

Britney Spears to perform on GMA.   Um, in the morning?  Seriously?  Her people need to start taking my sleep schedule into consideration.  [Lainey]

It’s that time in the tabloid news cycle:  A Jennifer Aniston baby bump! [Cele|bitchy]

And Jennifer Aniston pops the question!  [popbytes]

Mandy Moore’s hair channels Katie Couric circa 2006.  [SOMG]

I swim with dead people. [Smack]

Case against Britney Spears dismissed.  Because even Judge Judy was like, “Damn, this is almost as stupid as the father who sued for compensation for babysitting his own kids.” [POTP]

Leelee Sobieski rides the fashion short bus once again. [Ayyyy!]

Guy Ritchie hasn’t let any grass grow under his dick.  [CelebWarship]

Alyson Hannigan is pregnant.  I guess she’s sticking more than flutes up there these days.  [Baby Scoop]

Who’s that hot bitch with Ashley Tisdale?  [Gabby]

Uh-oh! “CDC Warns of Alarming Decline in Celebrity Upskirt Shots.”  [Holy Candy]

The Closeted Prince of Bel-Air:  Will Smith used madame for gay sex?  [Lainey]

Introducing the Talking Presidential Candidate Doll collection!  [Holy Candy & Gallery of the Absurd]

Jennifer Aniston may be pregnant with mini-Mayer.  Well, we’ll know it’s his when it comes out looking for media attention.  [Cele|bitchy]

Just sloooowly step away from the doctor’s scalpel, Victoria Principal.  [SOMG]

Get off the road!  Nick Hogan is a free man.  [Smack]

Tom Cruise and Androgyny, er… Katie.  [Ayyyy!]

Lindsay Lohan once again proves she’s a lesbian, hits on Chace Crawford.  [POTP]

Chuck Bass is a “Womanizer.”  Because no woman can resist a sequined suit.  [popbytes]

Introducing divorce registries.  Hopefully, they don’t register for the knife set.  [The Frisky]