Cosmo magazine introduces most erotic sex position ever:  “The Please-Him Pretzel Twist.”  [Holy Candy]

The tennis instructor, David Duchovny?  That’s almost as cliché as the nanny.  [Lainey]

Tara Reid should come with a warning sign:  Objects under clothes are more warped than they appear.  [SOMG!]

Paris Hilton tells Pink that “the real Paris is smart.”  What she forgot to add is, “compared to a rock.” [Smack]

Hey, bank robbers need to be fashionable, too!  [Ayyyy!]

Squeezing life from an expired egg: Madonna wants a baby with Alex Rodriguez.  [CelebWarship]

New York of I Love New York imparts her wisdom to POTP.

Something smells fishy in the Beckham household.  And for once, it’s not Posh’s claims that she’s a hearty eater.  [popbytes]

Halle Berry reveals she loves nothing more than a clam bake for one.  [Gabby]

Faith Hill celebrates 41st birthday with bikini photo shoot.  Let the clever “not-so-over-the-HILL” puns ensue! [People]

Sam Ronson more than earns her firecrotch fajitas. [Page Six]

Sarah Palin to be on SNL.  No word on whether she’ll be playing Gumby or Mango.  [Lainey]

Tara Reid searches for romance in the personal ads.  [Holy Candy]

Note to self:  Don’t mention Brad Pitt next time I’m palling around with Chris Martin. [Holy Moly]

Katy Perry kissed the floor — and the blogosphere liked it.  [SOMG]

Mark Wahlberg has great sense of humor, wants to punch SNL’s Andy Samberg’s “big, f*cking nose” for imitating him.  Ha, haaaa!  [CelebWarship]

George Hamilton thinks it’s normal he slept with his stepmother when he was 12.  Just kids being kids! [Smack]

Jenny McCarthy “saved her son from Autism” with all-wheat diet.  Wow.  Maybe all we need to cure cancer is a little more fiber.  [POTP]

Lisbon Fashion Week proves that tiny hat + Hammer pants does not always equal a style home run.  [Ayyyy!]

Entertainment Weekly turns up the metrosexual dial with Zac Efron spread.  [popbytes]

It’s only a matter of time till Joe the Plumber is starring on The Bachelor, getting his own Home Depot commercials.  [Gabby Babble]

Election Watch 2008:  Jessica Simpson endorses a miniature goat for president.  [Holy Candy]

Posh wears slimming black, making her disappear altogether. [Lainey]

Oh, James Van Der Beek. Dawson moves across the creek to One Tree Hill.  [SOMG!]

Madonna handles divorce maturely, calls Guy Ritchie “emotionally retarded.”  [Smack]

In other uplifting divorce news, a sex tape between Christie Brinkley’s ex and his 19-year-old mistress to be leaked?  [POTP]

Emma Thompson thinks ahead, dresses to hit the early bird special after this blue carpet event.  [Ayyyy!]

Legally Boned:  Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal get naughty in a London sex shop.  [Gabby]

When did Tweety Bird turn into Andy Rooney?  [popbytes]

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer celebrate his birthday at cigar bar, where he continued to blow smoke up her ass.  [Us Weekly]

Mall of America unveils Angelina Jolie Breastfeeding Fountain.  [GOTA]

Shockingly, not all actresses regain their pre-pregnancy figure with “diet and exercise.”  [Lainey]

Morgan Freeman’s Voice goes on strike, paralyzing entire entertainment industry.  [Holy Candy]

Anchor Kyra Phillips puts the “C” in CNN.  [SOMG!]

Sounds like a plot in the show:  Desperate Housewives star in serious motorcycle accident.  Hopefully, he wasn’t run over by a revenge-seeking neighbor, only to fall into a year-long, drama-filled coma. [Smack]

Maggie Rizer trades in the fashion runway for the mail-order Russian bride business.  But who hasn’t done that, really?  [Ayyyy!]

Justin Timberlake’s “Vote in the Box.”  I guess while the original skit had hanging balls, this one has hanging chads.  [CelebWarship]

Speaking of dicks in a box, Denis Leary calls Autistic children “just lazy.”  [POTP]

Janet Jackson returning to concert tour after a bout of diziness.  That’s what she gets for staring at pictures of Christina Aguilera for too long.  [Gabby]

A feature that never gets old:  Celebs without makeup!  [popbytes]

No one deep-throats a microphone like Jessica Simpson.  [Lainey]

Fox launches new reality series:  “What Would Jesus Do for Cash?“  [Holy Candy]

Canoodle alert:  Gerard Butler and… Shanna Moakler?  [Smack]

Director reveals Dakota Fanning is a diva.  So there may be DUIs and rehab in her future yet!  [POTP]

Jordan walked out on Peter Andre.  Then waited a few hours for the tabloids to report it, and walked back in.  [Seriously?  OMG!]

Madonna’s “shoot me” pumps.  [CelebWarship]

Kenny Rogers regrets plastic surgery, ever adding Sour Cream & Dill Pasta Salad to the Kenny Rogers Roasters menu.  [Gabby]

This one’s for you, Clay Aiken:  Beyonce releases video for “Single Girls.”  [popbytes]

Dress up as the Lohan Sisters for Halloween:  Tanorexic and Geriatric.  [Ayyyy!]

Yet another unlikely Hollywood couple: Angelina Jolie and a hamburger in W magazine.  [Lainey]

Star Jones calls The View women “hateful,” then tries to free her feet that are firmly planted in the past. [Star Magazine]

Breaking:  Rick Astley announces he is gonna give you up!  [Holy Candy]

Marky Mark is not amused.  [Celebrity Smack]

Women’s magazines get political.  Because I know I read Cosmo for their thoughts on the U.S. energy policy. [The Frisky]

Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker don’t let a silly near-death experience get in the way of their MySpace war.  [Seriously?  OMG!]

Somebody get David Duchovny back on the sex juice — STAT.  [Ayyyy!]

J.Lo and Marc Anthony renew their vows.   Because four years of marriage equals 50 by Hollywood calculations. [POTP]

A picture of Josh Brolin as Dubya squeezing out a thought.  [popbytes]

It’s a miracle:  Kanye West sees his own image in grilled cheese sandwich.  [Holy Candy]

Kate Winslet is not only with impressive acting chops, but also impressive hamstrings.  [Lainey]

Pamela Anderson re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-gifts her naked body to Hef on his birthday.  [Seriously?  OMG!]

Britney Spears “sets the record straight” with new damagecontrol-tary [Smack]

Brad Pitt convinced Angelina Jolie to get pregnant.   What, she never had an overwhelming urge to spread Billy Bob’s genes? [CelebWarship]

Sharon Stone, one animal PETA wouldn’t mind caging.  [Ayyyy!]

This picture brings the lulz, as the kids say:  Tyra teaches Janet Jackson about “fierce eyes.”  [popbytes]

Jamie Lynn Spears‘ babydaddy says he’s no cheater — except when it comes to pulling out in time.  [Gabby]

Seth Rogen to star in cancer comedy.  Already sounds like a knee-slapper!  [POTP]

After the whole prison debacle, I was hopeful Paris Hilton’s star would finally fade.  And it seemed to be doing so… until McCain decided it would be a grand idea to compare Obama to her.  Which gave her the opportunity to do that damn “Funny or Die” video.  Which extended her Fifteen Minutes yet again.

And now Ryan Seacrest wants to stretch her dubious stardom even further with a — wait for it… wait for it… — Paris Hilton sitcom.

Oh, Ryan.  Haven’t you tortured us enough with Sunset Tan?

He tells Access Hollywood:

“Paris and I are developing a scripted series. And she wants to have fun with that. So I think that this is a very clever show.  Paris is going to star in it. Paris is going to play a very clever and funny Paris Hilton. Some of things that she encounters are really interesting. And if we pepper in a little bit of script, I think it’s going to be very funny.”

“… A very clever and funny Paris Hilton”?  Now THAT will require major acting chops.

Possible titles for the “comedy” include:

• Two and a Half Brain Cells
• R*A*S*H
• Saved By The Gel
• I Love Me
• Leave It To My Beaver