LEFT:  Jessica Alba dining at at Madeo’s in Beverly Hills

RIGHT:  My cousin’s Pimp Daddy ready to whip his ‘hos if they don’t bring home the dough

It’s a good thing Lindsay is being careful not to make any sudden movements, because it appears we have a precarious situation here:

One wrong wave of the hand, and it’s Girls Overboard.  One bend of the knee, and it’s Butt Cheek Central.  The only proper thing to do in this case, really, is to care-ful-ly shuffle out of there, head straight to the nearest ladies’ room, survey the outfit in the mirror, and shout “OH MY GOD, I’M WEARING A SEQUINED TANK TOP AS A DRESS!”

And Lindsay is nothing if not proper.

I know, I know; I’m thinking the same thing…

The ankle ribbons really pull the outfit together.

See, THIS is why you should put a cautionary label on all of your movie premiere attire:

WARNING:  This dress is NOT to be used as a paper-and-scissors craft activity for young children.

I’ll admit it:  I did NOT like Jenny McCarthy when she first burst onto the scene in the ’90s, on that MTV show “Singled Out.”  Mostly because my boyfriend at the time lusted after her and, frankly, that was all the reason I needed to cast my scorn her way.  Which I’m sure really devastated Jenny.

But over the years, with her semi-funny sitcom appearances and, most recently, her impressive campaign against hurtful vaccinations and totally adorable relationship with Jim Carrey, my scorn slowly gave way to a desire to grab a pitcher of beer with Jenny and belch the alphabet together.

Over one of those beers, I would also be a good friend to Jenny and tell her this hair is all sorts of wrong for her:

It’s not so much Marilyn Monroe, but more “’50s housewife without a mirror tragically overdoses on hairspray.”  Clearly, Jenny needs a friend who’s willing to tell her that.  I’m here for you, Jenny!  As is my belching prowess.  A… B…

Talk about the Comeback Kid.  Mickey Rourke is, as you probably have heard, getting rave reviews for his performance in “The Wrestler.”  In fact, Variety describes his work in the movie as “a galvanizing, humorous, deeply moving portrait that instantly takes its place among the great, iconic screen performances.”

Pretty heady stuff.

So I suppose it’s safe to assume Mickey is blinded by his brightly shining star right now.  Which would certainly explain why he put this outfit together:

Either that, or it’s an homage to the gold statuette he desperately wants to take home.  In which case, somebody should have told him the Oscar does NOT wear shiny black pants.

In fact, it’s only a matter of time ’til Leelee comes out with her own accessory line.

Introducing Bitchface by Leelee™.  Guaranteed to upstage even the most heinous of outfits.

Good thing she has that dress tied in double knots…

Otherwise, it might wander off in search of its previous home:  my grandma’s curtain rods.