There are a number of things people often aspire to do before they die. Run a marathon, for example. Or make love on a train. Or learn how to live on a diet of only chocolate and crispy chicken sandwiches without gaining a pound. (I’m still working on it, people.)
And, of course…
EVERYONE wants to watch [...]
Continued
Welcome to the fifth edition of “Sex with Cosmopolitan and Candy,” in which I respond to that especially horny member of the family of women’s magazines, as they invite sex-challenged women to “Ask Him Anything.”
That’s right: ANYTHING
Here’s what Cosmo’s male sex guru — and I — had to say:
How do I address his BO problem [...]
Brooke Hogan, 20, who recently sold out her family to the tabloids in the usual classy Hogan-style, tells Us Weekly that she sees nothing wrong with those photos showing her dad applying lotion to her butt and inner thighs.
“I know I’m a grown woman, but it’s like he’s touching an old car,” Brooke says, adding [...]
Welcome to the fourth edition of “Men’s All-Time Favorite Mattress Moves,” in which I respond to that especially horny member of the family of women’s magazines, Cosmopolitan, as select men reveal the long-held secrets to feisty foreplay.
That’s right: FEISTY!
Here’s what they — and I — had to say:
FRANK: “After an hour of working me up [...]
Do your loins ache for the, um, heart of another, ladies? Or did you ride the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch a little too hard this weekend?
Well, ache no more…
Thanks to alert reader, jewed, you no longer have to resign yourself to a cold, depressed vagina. Behold the Heating Heart Pad, “designed with [...]
This post is rated PG-13 and Anti-Parents. Not suitable for children under 13 or my mom and dad.
As I’ve mentioned in previous editions of this column, I’m easily confused by sex toys, as it’s often unclear to me whether they’re supposed to offer pleasure, blend my margaritas or clean my windows. So, being the [...]
Thanks to alert reader, Eize, for helping me get a, um, leg up on the news of Pharrell’s stylish new furniture collection:
Don’t worry, you’re not imagining things: The legs are, indeed, in position to do it, doggy-style. Suggested tagline: Put your ass into it.
ContinuedCANDY IS ON A TWO-WEEK HIATUS AND WILL RETURN ON JULY 15.
HAPPY SUMMER!
"The best humor columnist living in her house!"
--Fabricated News Weekly
"As funny as Jane Eyre!"
--National Life & People Enquirer of the World
"What year is it again?"
--Larry King, CNN
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