Ever wonder who the Maxim editors don’t want to sleep with*? No? Well, they think you do. Which is why they’ve published a list of “The Unsexiest Women Alive”:
*List based on gross assumption that editors would actually have the opportunity to have sexual intercourse with — or come within fifty feet of — any of the below women.
5. BRITNEY SPEARS
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Filling chicken-grease-stained sweatpants on the cover of every trashy tabloid and gossip blog on the Internet
Why She´s Unsexy: Less than five years ago, Britney had a python wrapped around her well-toned torso onstage at the VMAs. Since then, she’s lost the ability to perform, but gained two kids, two useless ex-husbands, and about 23 pounds of Funyun pudge.
(Funyuns? She’s a Cheetos gal! Where’s your journalistic integrity, Maxim?!)
4. MADONNA
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: On tour, at the Wailing Wall, in the pharmacy’s menopause aisle
Why She’s Unsexy: After building a personal fortune on Top 40 pornography, Madonna traded pioneering sexuality for, like other old Jewish women, self-righteous bellyaching and rapid postnuptial deterioration. Combine a Paris Hilton–like pet accessorizing fetish only for dirt-poor foreign babies with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull, and you’ve got Willem Dafoe with hot flashes.
(“Menopause aisle” — Ha, ha! Good one! And I must agree, adopting one child DOES make it a fetish. True story.)
3. SANDRA OH
Where You’ve Seen Her Unsexy: Grey´s Anatomy
Why She´s Unsexy: The only thing worse than a show about doctors is a show about sappy chick doctors we’re forced to watch or else our girlfriends won’t have sex with us. We´re holding Dr. McSkinny, with her cold bedside manner and boyish figure, personally responsible.
(Oh, surely they jest… none of them actually have girlfriends who’d sleep with them anyway, do they?)
2. AMY WINEHOUSE
Where You’ve Seen Her Unsexy: Onstage, offstage, and in the tabloids after cleaving herself and her husband
Why She´s Unsexy: When we first heard this chick boast about her reluctance to go to rehab we thought, Now there’s a girl we can party with! But upon beholding her openly hemorrhaging translucent skin, rat’s nest mane and lashes that look more like surgically attached bats, we were the ones screaming, “Nooo, nooo, nooo!”
(“Nooo, nooo, nooo!” Ha! That’s not cliched at ALL!)
1. SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Sex and the City, Honeymoon in Vegas
Why She´s Unsexy: How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with “sex” in the title? Pull your skirt down, Secretariat, we’d rather ride Chris Noth.
(I don’t understand… most gay men LOVE Sarah Jessica Parker!)
Yeah, okay. Just in case you’re wondering who’s responsible for determining what’s “sexy” and what’s not, here’s a sampling of Maxim editors, both past and present:
Well, one thing’s for certain: if anybody knows unsexy, it WOULD be them.
first? first!!
October 12th, 2007 at 2:46 amthey forgot to list Tori Spelling
October 12th, 2007 at 2:51 amHa, you know those girls are getting it way more than the Maxim nerds..you know without paying for it that is.
October 12th, 2007 at 4:03 amSugarbear is so right - these Maxim editors would jump any of those ‘unsexy’ woman given the chance - I doubt any of those woman on their list would have them though - even Britany.
October 12th, 2007 at 6:05 amWhat a bunch of gits.
man…now i wanna see the whole list! anyone has the link?
October 12th, 2007 at 7:11 amSo, Britney’s too ‘fat’ and Sandra Oh is too skinny.
Come ON. You know that if any of these guys had a (non-inflatable) girlfriend half as attractive as any of the women on the list, they’d be showing her off to everyone on the planet.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:49 amThey don’t like Sandra Oh because of the personality of a character she plays on TV- are these guys in sixth grade? Not every woman in Hollywood needs to have cantalopes implanted in their chests- only the ones who can’t act- i.e. Jessica Simpson.
I like SJP’s look, must every actress resemble a Barbie doll?
October 12th, 2007 at 9:57 amDo these guys ever glance in a mirror?
#1 looks like a muppet.
#2 can you say Ab-Lounger?
#3 needs to wash (and comb) his hair.
#4 looks like he’s searching for his plastic pocket protector.
Glass houses and stones, my friends.
baby girl - if you click on the “maxim editors” link it will take you to the story. but that IS the entire list.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:03 amps-if anyone should be on that list, which i find entirely offensive, it’s paris hilton.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:05 amI agree with Maria ~ Tori Spelling is nasty, especially with that big concave thing going on between her chest balloons.
I also agree with anon ~ Paris should definitely be on there! Where you’ve seen her unsexy: every time she gets out of a car with her legs spread and the vajayjay grinning at the world. Why she’s unsexy: nice girls don’t have crabs.
And how about Lindsay? Where you’ve seen her unsexy: partying with her shirt open and her bra hanging out as well as climbing out of cars with her legs spread and displaying that nasty hootch. Why she’s unsexy: feeling the need to share with the world all of her pent-up parental anguish through lame music videos, trying so hard to be sexy that she begins to look like a cracked-up hooker half the time.
Those guys don’t know what they’re talking about… (okay, with Britney they’re spot on)… Madonna looks awesome. For God’s sake, she’s not a spring chicken! Isn’t it good she’s toning down the sex a bit? Sandra Oh ~ a normal woman. Amy Winehouse ~ I applaud her individuality (addictions aside). Sarah J.P. ~ a very beautiful “normal” woman who doesn’t look like Barbie, and refuses to get plastic surgery. We all should be applauding that.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:28 amJust another way for men to keep these successful & talented ladies down, by basing everything on appearances. Thank you for posting this, it makes me hate Maxim and chauvinists of the like even more
October 12th, 2007 at 11:06 amI can’t believe they said Madonna is unsexy “on tour”. What are they smoking? Have they ever BEEN to a Madonna show?
Unsexy? Pot. Kettle. Black.
October 12th, 2007 at 11:11 amOMG - This post is rockin’!
October 12th, 2007 at 11:57 amif hard-bodied women like madonna and sjp are considered “unsexy”, then i have no hope.
October 12th, 2007 at 1:28 pmI don’t really like anyone on this list (well, except for Sandra Oh - I’ve never seen her TV show but I gots to support a fellow Canuck) but I still find this list - or even the IDEA of such a list - so offensive.
Well, maybe I wouldn’t if the criteria were different, ie along the lines of what Jenn F is sayin’. Paris & Lindsay are about the most “unsexy” things out there - for all the reasons Jenn F stated & more. Nothin’ sexy about desperate drug addicted crotch flashin’ talentless whores (male or female, btw)
I wish I purchased Maxim so I could boycott it…
October 12th, 2007 at 4:11 pmMuch as I hate to be severe on my own sex,here’s my list
October 13th, 2007 at 5:39 am5. Britney Spears
4. Condoleeza Rice
3. Tori Spelling
2. Paris Hilton
1. ANN COULTER
…………………………..
If any of them did anything to make the planet a better place,I’d take them off them list.
That guy on the left.
October 13th, 2007 at 6:55 amHis face looks like
the bottom of my foot.
those guys!!
I mean I agree on some of those girls but those guys are the living definition of unsexiness, undesirableness and fugliness and because of that they are not allowed to say anything about someone beeing unsexy or undesirable
October 13th, 2007 at 3:22 pm(yep, I forgot) about Sandra Oh, they are clearly missing a clear definition of sexy and undesirable…well, actually the definition of actress, she is acting on the TV series you idiots!! she maight be completely different than her character!! plus, if they didn’t see the seasons finale of the second season they cannot speak about her being not sexy, she looked astonishing in that wedding gown.
plus, their girlfrinds problably use the series as an excuse not to have sex with them…you know after the series you can get hungry or sleepy all of a sudden, no wonder if you do with a guy like that next to you in bed
October 13th, 2007 at 3:25 pmReally funny to read!
October 13th, 2007 at 7:30 pmI love sandra oh!
October 13th, 2007 at 10:24 pmThis is a shame, adding Britney just to jump on the “kick you while you’re down” bandwagon. An attractive, twenty-something woman with a little more junk in the trunk than she had in the past. Yeah hideous, call Barnum and Bailey.
Why do we let men do this to us, and why do we do this to one another? It’s sad that this is bound to be a bestselling issue. The media along with its viewership are stuck in a petri dish High School.
October 14th, 2007 at 1:52 amHoly Terror, you are right.
October 14th, 2007 at 3:15 amWhy do we let men do this
to us, etc. It’s a shame.
I am sure the likes of
Paris Hilton & Lindsay
Lohan won’t make their
stink list ever because
those guys wish they could
boink them. No matter how
dumb Paris was for driving
intoxicated or Lindsay for
snorting coke. That’s their
dream girl. A wild, drunk dummy
or a wild, high looney tune.
haha. The greatest part is that Lindsay made the top of their “hottest women” list…Sometimes I just don’t get men. Apparantly they secretly lust for their own personal crack whore.
October 15th, 2007 at 5:08 amOut of all the mongrels in Hollywood how did you get SJP as the number 1 unsexiest woman??? I mean, Sandra, Amy and Madonna all have bung faces and Madonna has always looked like a man but I’m still surprised about SJP!!
What about Patricia Arquette, Heidi Montag or that fat thing from the Drew Carey show…the point is that there are way more ugly people out there than SJP!
October 24th, 2007 at 5:29 pmLets make a list of the TOP 5 UNSEXIEST MEN ALIVE:
The five sweating pigs who are the editors of MAXIM.
These women wouldn’t want to have sex with these fat, hairy jerks anyway. Most of the women above are married. I say, FUCK OFF MAXIM. This is so low. I can’t believe this.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:25 pmdo any of these guys know what they’re talking about? just because no sober, attractive girl would sleep with them, they take it out on these strong, successful women. and guys wonder why women have no faith in the opposite sex….
October 25th, 2007 at 10:05 pmwhat about renee zelwiger???? she’s very ugly and what’s with the squint???
October 27th, 2007 at 12:43 amAwesome! I’m glad that someone finally zinged Maxim’s sooo unfunny writing…your comments on their list were way funnier than they are. Regardless of the list (I’m sure there are tons of “unsexier” women out there for them to pick on, just not too many who are famous enough right now), Maxim has been so hit and miss in its attempts at smarmy humor, I was really glad to see someone take them down. Kudos.
October 27th, 2007 at 4:02 pmI generally agree with the picks 4 the list but would add Paris, Lindsay, Tori, and definitely Condoleeza Rice who looks like a guy in drag. Too bad Britney balooned like a beached whale but I don’t think any of them are nice people or have done anything to improve the world. Oh yes, Ann Coulter, a real dog who should be listed as much for her beleifs as looks. I would give Madonna a break, not bad for an older babe. I’ve seen and met Sarah Jessica, what a waste of human life, probably the biggest bitch of the bunch.
October 28th, 2007 at 12:41 amabsolutely hilarious! Too funny! EXCEPT, I think they forgot one… Ann Coulter! Ann Coutler is one fugly bitch!
October 29th, 2007 at 4:12 pmAll you women are missing the point. It’s a list about women who are touted as being sexy, yet really aren’t. It’s not a list of the ugliest women out there - as someone suggested putting the fat woman from the Drew Carey show on it. And why do women always want to criticize guys - they immediately attack the guys at the publication and say how they’d be lucky to sleep with these women, and oh how successful these women are and how the guys are just trying to strike them down. You’re missing the point. It’s a list of women who aren’t as sexy as their personas or reputations would suggest. For the record, I don’t think Paris Hilton is sexy at all. I can’t stand Britney - in addition to not being sexy, she is stupid and has no talent! (Now, some girl will say - “well, let’s hear you sing! Or see you dance!” to which my response is - that’s not the point. It’s not a matter of whether I can sing, dance, or if I’m sexy. It doesn’t change the truth about Spears’ lack of talent and sex appeal.)
Lastly, I have met Ann Coulter in person and she is absolutely beautiful (and sexy) - and in a very soft, feminine, girl next door way. Perfect smile, and just so nice. Also - you liberal weenies probably have never read a book of hers or understand anything she has ever written or said. She’s brilliant and right about everything.
Let’s see, who else? Kristen Davis is a babe (from Sex in the City). Kristen Bell is too (Veronica Mars). Or how about Megyn Kendall (FOXNEWS)? Molly Henneberg. Laura Ingraham. Avril Lavigne.
October 29th, 2007 at 9:05 pmYOU’RE the one missing the point, Mark. It’s the idea of an “Unsexiest Women” list that’s despicable. Period. The rationale behind it is irrelevant. And no one’s ever touted Amy Winehouse as being “sexy,” so that negates the point you were TRYING to make.
We’re also laughing at the Maxim editors appointing themselves the judge of what’s sexy and what’s not when they’re so unsexy themselves. They’re also totally unfunny, but you know they’re somewhere patting themselves on the back for their “cleverness.”
Ann Coulter is sexy? Maybe for a drag queen.
October 29th, 2007 at 9:33 pmMiddle-aged heterosexual female here….
October 29th, 2007 at 11:51 pmFinally someone speaks up about horse faced Sarah Jessica Parker - among other things, she is too muscled looking, as is Madonna, who may have been kind of cute at the beginning of her career but that waned real quick. I have to admit that Britney used to be sexy before we heard her speak and gain the baby weight. The rest of the named women are just overrated. Add Renee Zellwiger with those gross lips and translucent skin - plus Lindsay Lohan is one skanky freckled freak. I don’t get it….who ever told these women they were hot commodities?
Why does everyone beat up Britney? Maxim is a disgusting piece of garbage for insulting all of these women this way. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s funny. Guess if they knew me they’d rate me unfuckable too. Or maybe not. After all, they are way out of these babes’ league.
October 30th, 2007 at 12:44 amThe Maxim editors are way fuglier than any fugly chick on their list.
October 30th, 2007 at 10:28 amWhat’s wrong with you people? The “fat” woman on The Drew Carey Show was thin and very attractive Kate Walsh in a fat suit.
http://www.themakeupgallery.info/character/fat/drewcarey.htm
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:47 amBritney Spears obviously has some issues, emotional and mental that need to be dealt with, sooner rather than later (regardless of how well her CD is doing), her health and the welfare of her children should come first.
Sandra Oh is an amazing actress, funny as crap, and a Golden Globe winner. She’s getting her due career wise, she’s smart, she’s funny, she has great bone structure, and I’m sure that a lot of men are into that.
Amy Winehouse has a talent that many can only dream of. She’s human and she’s got a lot of problems. But so does Paris Hilton and oh I don’t know most of the other women in that jet-set fast and fabulous 20-30 age group.
Madonna is a goddess. The original “virgin” and “material girl” has stood out amongst us mere mortals since she burst onto the scene. She’s beautiful, a marketing genius, talented, smart, articulate, and a mother who can still kill it on stage, (the sold out Confessions tour, need I say more)
Last but not least, SJP. She has become this brand, this pint sized fashion palette for us all to behold. “Sex and the City” did wonders for her and Cynthia, and Kristen and Kim, hey and Chris Noth. What she did, who she played, what she has created, is a way of life. Sure she didn’t write the show, but she embodied the main character, the very essence of Ms. Bradshaw-if you’re nasty. She’s cool, and charitable, and open.
Sure Britney has fallen on hard times, (in need of serious help, I hope she receives it before it is too late). And Amy Winehouse has seriously been through it, and no one can seem to help her to the other side.
But Sandra, Madge and let’s not forget a woman who has influence so much of our culture the fab SJP, are straight shooting, upstanding, bright and talented women. Who the hell needs a magazine like Maxim calling people unsexy, who the hell are they. And Barbaro, that’s low. Doesn’t Maxim exploit sexuality, oh wait that’s right…they do.
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:45 amI really think this is terrible and real sign of what our society has devolved to in terms of objectifying and putting down women based on their looks. I can’t believe anyone even thought to let someone publish this garbage. It is so unfunny and unsexy of them. It’s just more mind rot that no one needs. Only in America….I guess their sexy woman campaign is getting a little too shallow so they have to dig deeper and dish out this kind of dirt. Pathetic.
November 4th, 2007 at 1:22 pmI did not know that Kate Walsh was on Drew Carey Show!! But I think the comment about the Fat girl on there was meant to be Mimi with the bright blue eye-shadow and overall clown appearance! I agree that the list here is crazy why do we need some mag to tell us who is and who is not sexy. What happened to individual thoughts and opinion. The people whe take these things seriously are the same people that would jump off a cliff if someone said that all the celebrities were doing it!
November 5th, 2007 at 5:25 pmJUMP AWAY!! and on the way down… How about an original thought!!!
I like how everyone is surprised and shocked at this list, as if Maxim magazine is some kind of noble publication. It’s Cosmo Magazine for men with a 6th grade reading level (hence all the pics and stilted vocab.). At least someone’s being honest about something for once, even if it is blatantly cruel and childish. We objectify women every second of every day, aren’t you used to it yet? One thing I found interesting is that every woman on this list is underweight, besides Britney. This should be one comforting thought to women. And another plus is they seem to have taken personality (albeit Oh’s fake one and the other women’s media filtered ones) into account. So men do listen, even if it’s only to syndicated TV and mainstream radio stations.
November 6th, 2007 at 3:13 pmThis list is very offensive and compelling at the same time.
A “Woman’s” magazine would never print something like that about men, they tend to run lists of men that you’d secretly fancy instead - It’s less harsh!
November 9th, 2007 at 3:18 pmI’m a dude and a regular reader of Maxim’s Magazine.
November 9th, 2007 at 9:11 pmBut even I’m offended by this list of “unsexiest women.”
I don’t think it’s necessary to print such mean spirited
articles in order sell some extra magazines. Shame on the
Maxim editors. And while they’re at it, all those
guys need a massive makeover, especially the ones in the second and third picture.
whatever happened to being grateful for life & health?
the judging a book by its cover ( living accomplished Women, in this case ) is exactly what the editors of Maxim have done . . .
Feeding in to ” Western cultures medicore masses of the uneducated average persons, ideals and acceptance of what a sexy woman should “Look like ” is clearly what this is all about.
Substance and Significance is clearly lacking as well as depth in knowledge, reasoning, emotions, and character by the editors of Maxim in their so-called creation and list of the “unsexiest women alive.”
BTW- i used to buy Maxim and wanted to pose for the mag but will no longer be a loyal buyer and fan.
lots of luck, many hardships, illness, accidents and deaths might make the editors of Maxim realize how demeaning, objectfying, and belittleing they really are. Life is truly the only gift and the most “sexy” creation one will ever know. Have the editors of Maxim ever heard that, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and also if you dont have something nice to say, dont say it at all?” …. obviously not like the one-dimensional morons they really have showed us they are.
December 8th, 2007 at 3:47 amum, are you serious with this? have you taken a look at yourselves? you aren’t even half of the people of sarah jessica, sandra oh and madonna. your truly disgusting and if maxim has to make an article of the unsexiest women, then this world has truly gone to shit. sarah jessica parker, sandra oh and madonna are all beautiful women, whether it be on the inside or outside. before writing something about how ugly someone is, i suggest you look at yourself in the mirror, because YOU are one of the ugliest people i’ve ever seen.
December 27th, 2007 at 2:03 pmGood List, number 1 is well deserved SJP is the ugliest bitch on the planet.
January 11th, 2008 at 7:45 pmI’d do Brit though, maybe not in her current mental state, she does need help, very sad.
I think Germaine Greer should be No. 5